Gather the Family, Think Small to Set Year’s Blueprint for Change

The new year is resolution time, so why not toss another on the pile: Resolving to try new ways to keep work and family commitments in proper proportion.

The beginning of any year is a natural time to figure out what’s working and what needs fixing. The trick is to identify the good habits as well as the bad habits and to work all year long--not just in January--to have more of one and less of the other.

It’s like a tuneup, and, to do a successful one, you need the help of all the mechanics in the shop.

Bonnie Michaels, co-author of “Solving the Work-Family Puzzle,” advocates a family meeting. Get everyone thinking and then talking about what they like and dislike about the current setup.

“You may be surprised what they say to you,” said Michaels, who heads an Evanston, Ill., consulting firm called Work-Family Solutions.

Look at your life realistically and decide “what are those little things you can do to change and really do it as a family,” Michaels said.

Parenting instructor Bryan Nichols urges working parents to approach their bosses and ask about improving the flexibility of their jobs. Women tend to be afraid to do this because they fear they will not be taken seriously on the job, he said.

“You really have to start with the needs of the child, because if you start with the needs of the job, it will always fill out the time,” said Nichols, who specializes in teaching effective parenting techniques in the black community. “It’s a real delicate balancing act.”

San Clemente pediatrician William Sears, father of eight children and 23 books, suggests using your career to help teach your children about the world of work.

“Let your child appreciate your work,” Sears said. “That way, they understand what mom and dad do and are more motivated to follow similar paths.”

Psychologist Robert Maurer endorses the Japanese concept of kaizen, which advocates taking small, incremental steps to make a change.

If you want to begin exercising, for example, start with one minute a day, which becomes five minutes, and eventually even longer, he said. A dramatic change born of distress--the sudden strict diet or the rigorous exercise regime--is soon abandoned.

Similarly, working parents can take many small steps that will improve their ability to keep their work and home lives in balance, said Maurer, who teaches a UCLA Extension class called “Why Successful People Succeed” and has collected years of research on the subject.

Some of his suggestions:

* Don’t complain about your job. “I encourage parents . . . when they’re talking to emphasize the positive and exciting parts of work,” Maurer said. By focusing on the negative, “you’re giving the kids the message, ‘Don’t hurry and grow up, because when you do, the fun stops,’ ” he said.

* Heap praise. The desire for attention and to feel appreciated is a “strong biological need” that is too often neglected in families, Maurer said. “People are very quick to tell you when you’re doing something wrong, but not so quick to tell you when you’re doing something right,” he said. Maurer advises making an extra effort every day to leave loving voicemail messages and to praise each other. Some families rotate a hot seat at dinner each night and pay 30 or 60 seconds of compliments to the occupant.

* Don’t suffer in silence. “Successful people are very successful at asking for help,” Maurer said. “The family needs to ask.” That could mean help from outside or from each other. Housework is a common battleground. “For men, it’s often shocking to learn what a powerful symbol housework is for women,” he said.

“The things I’m suggesting seem fairly small and inconsequential, but they make a big difference,” Maurer said.

“Nobody ever goes to their grave wishing they’d spent more time at work,” said Michelle Barone, a licensed marriage and family counselor who also hosts a show on the Cable Radio Network called “Parent Talk.” “Whether you work or don’t work, you have to remember that your children are the priority.

“It’s a matter of reminding yourself,” she said.

Has your company developed an interesting way to help employees balance work life and family life? Write to Balancing Act, Los Angeles Times, Business News, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053. Or send e-mail to [email protected]