Punch Lines

Universal Disasters: Scientists at the University of Michigan predict that the universe will disintegrate in 30 billion years. “By then the Earth will have only one constant from its present form: ‘M*A*S*H’ will still be in reruns,” says Alan Ray.

* “The really tough part is breaking the news to Dick Clark.” (Steve Voldseth)

* “Stars will only last another 100 trillion years. Agents a few billion more than that.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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Fashion Bulletin: In Vermont, citizens say they think farmers should grow hemp for a variety of products; 55% of people polled say they would buy jeans made of hemp. “These jeans are comparably priced to regular jeans,” says Jerry Perisho, “except for the ones from Hawaii, which are very high quality and more expensive.”

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In the News: In Kleberg County, Texas, Leonso Canales led a successful campaign to change the courthouse greeting to heaveno. “I see ‘hell’ in hello,” Canales said. “It’s disguised by the ‘O’ but once you see it, it will slap you in the face.” “Apparently slap you silly,” comments the Daily Scoop.

Officials from a Gold’s Gym in New Hampshire recently found a backpack containing a Bible that belonged to John Quincy Adams. “Police are investigating,” says Perisho. “There are no records indicating Adams ever belonged to Gold’s Gym.”

“It looks like the Budweiser frogs aren’t retiring after all. According to Anheuser-Busch, they are going on hiatus for a while. The company would not say how long the frogs would be gone nor comment on reports about reservations for three terrariums at the Betty Ford Clinic.” (Gary Easley)

A California legislator has proposed that convicted drunk drivers be forced to display license plates with the letters DUI on them. “Some other license display requirements would include: civil servants who are unwilling to help--DMV; politicians who campaign on special interest money--IOU.” (Perisho)

The FDA has ordered warning labels on all iron-rich drugs to protect kids. “Doctors recommend a simple home test,” says Mills. “Press the bottle against the refrigerator door. If it sticks, it needs a label.”

“Gatorade will market a drink for couch spuds. New bottles have caps that pop off using only the TV remote.” (Mills)

Orange County has introduced its new slogan: “Orange County, the Perfect California.” “Other California counties have created their own slogans,” says Perisho. For example: “San Bernardino County, Where You Hear the Air Hit the Bottom of Your Lungs.”

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Reader Lynn Sosa’s 3-year-old daughter, Leah, was learning good manners. When she asked for a cookie at her grandmother’s house, she was asked what the magic word was. She replied:

“Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo.”