Punch Lines

A Thought for Today: Attention Pentagon: “Make war, not love.” (Argus Hamilton)

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Celebs in the News: “Tiger Woods had lunch with Fuzzy Zoeller,” says Lue Deck. “Crow was served.”

Ed McMahon has signed a six-figure book deal to write about his days with Johnny Carson on “The Tonight Show.” “Ed got the news from his agent in a letter that said, ‘Mr. E. McMahon: YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WRITER!’ ” (Mark Wheeler)

Barbra Streisand and James Brolin are engaged. “Brolin says his nickname for Barbra is Beezer. That’s funny, the Academy’s nickname for her is Poor Loozer.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

“Christopher Darden will star in an ABC murder mystery, ‘One Hot Summer Night’ after getting rave reviews in ‘Touched by an Angel.’ Poor O.J. Guess he wasn’t even the best actor in his courtroom.” (Daily Scoop)

The original Mouseketeers are suing Disney for millions of dollars in royalties from their TV show, says Bill Edwards. “Disney countered by saying it let them keep the sweaters.”

The season finale of “Beverly Hills, 90210” will show the characters graduating from college. “Finally,” says Steve Voldseth. “They’re all, what, 70 now?”

* “In a couple of years, the characters will retire and it will be ‘Palm Springs, 92263’ and then, sadly, ‘Forest Lawn, 91209.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

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Back at the Pentagon: About those military base closings--”It’s very difficult to close a military base,” Jay Leno explains, “because most people don’t want the sex offenders moving into their neighborhoods.”

The court-martial of Air Force Lt. Kelly Flinn has been delayed. “They’re gonna wait? But the media circus is in town!” (Daily Scoop)

* “It appears that if everyone in the Air Force who deserved it was court-martialed for adultery, SAC bombers would have to contract out to UPS.” (Wayne E. Scott)

“The Pentagon says it wants to be prepared to fight two wars at once--for example, one with Iraq and one with the ‘90s.” (Daily Scoop)

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Science File: Researchers calculate Mother Nature’s services to humanity are worth $16 trillion to $54 trillion a year. “Does that include the service of raining out Cubs games?” (Scoop)

Hubble telescope scientist says the spacecraft due to arrive at Mars will have to cope with global dust storms followed by cold, cloudy weather. “Scientists have renamed the planet Minnesota.” (Wheeler)

Reader Cathy Miller’s 10-year-old son, Ian, went to a Creedence Clearwater Revival concert at the Greek Theatre with $17 to buy a souvenir. He came home without one, saying the T-shirts all cost $20. Miller asked if they had any less expensive souvenirs.

“Well,” Ian replied, “they had earplugs.”