SPORTS WEEKEND : Week 5 Primer : Chris Dufresne’s Top 25

Florida State (3-0): No. 1 in our hearts, but only No. 51 in total defense.

2. Florida (3-0): Spurrier gives publisher OK to release latest batch of Tennessee jokes.

3. Penn State (4-0): Go-for-broke Paterno tells waiter to throw a tomato slice on his sandwich.

4. Michigan (3-0): Mr. Brady starts against Wisconsin, but Alice has better chance of finishing.

5. Texas A&M; (2-0): Can rest, now that expanded Kyle Field is bigger than that phone booth in Austin.

6. Nebraska (3-0): Injury-prone DeAngelo Evans pulls hamstring while clearing out locker.

7. Tennessee (1-1) No truth plays called in last series vs. Florida phoned in by Notre Dame staff.

8. Miami (2-1): Orange Bowl issues restraining order for Doug Flutie, Kevin Thompson and Chafie Fields.

9. Ohio State (2-1): After inking new $1-million deal, Cooper feels like half a million bucks.

10. Georgia Tech (2-1): Quarterback Joe Hamilton is best little big man since Dustin Hoffman.

11. Virginia Tech (2-0): Had to miss Thursday night game vs. Clemson to attend Irish wake.

12. Georgia (2-0): Two stiffs to roll (Central Florida and Louisiana State) before Oct. 9 at Tennessee.

13. Purdue (3-0): Brees offers to play two-hand touch against Northwestern this weekend.

14. Marshall (3-0): I know, I know, you’re saying, “Why isn’t the Herd ranked higher?”

15. USC (2-0) Trojans hope to beat Oregon this week on blown pass interception call.

16. Brigham Young (2-0): Edwards, 68, signs extension, vows to become the Hugh Downs of coaching.

17. UCLA (2-1): Rankman’s evil twin wonders, will injured Bruins Paus and Poli-Dixon apply for handicapped-parking passes?

18. Arkansas (2-0): Hogs remember when going to Tuscaloosa was a really big deal.

19. Michigan State (3-0): Set your watch, it’s about time for that annual five-game losing streak.

20. Air Force (3-0): Flying high with 11 consecutive wins, longest current streak among major colleges.

21. Wisconsin (2-1): Dayne prepares for Michigan defense by running into side of silo.

22. Kansas State (2-0): Wildcats call NCAA to see if that 3-0 Iowa State record is a typo.

23. Texas (3-1): Any school that roughs up Rice by five points belongs in my top 25.

24. New Mexico State (2-1): Rankman throws Big West a bone before football conference folds.

25. Mississippi State (3-0): Seeks first 4-0 start since 1965 against team coached by some guy named Holtz.