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Besides vampires and Hells Angels, rats may be the most public relations-challenged species of all time. Think about it. What are these pointy-nosed, pointy-tailed creatures good for? Chewing walls and wires, gnawing attic treasures, housing fleas and spreading the plague.

So, how surprising to learn the other day that doctors in New York (not the surprising part) have wired rats to obey human commands. No, not to walk into rat traps. The doctors stuck three little wires into rat brains. One tickles the rat’s left whiskers (we’re not making this up). Another tickles the right whiskers. Lacking contact lenses and flashlights, rats use whiskers for navigating tight places like cats. The third wire stimulates the rat’s pleasure center as a reward.

By combining these little shocks, a human with a computer keyboard and radio can steer a rat wherever desired, which is nice, because most rats were bored with the old maze routine.

Send a rat patrol into a mine where lethal gas might lurk. Send rescue rats into rubble to seek survivors. (Suggestion: Put a big Red Cross on those guys.) Physically fit rats--and have you ever seen a slob rat, despite their junk-food diet?--can carry little television cameras, perhaps to infiltrate a hostage situation or a hostile teenager’s messy room. A rat battalion could be sent across minefields once or twice.

The professed application is medical, to design ways to help human brains order disabled bodies to do what they can’t at the moment. Of less importance but some interest, rats have never received adequate credit for testing cancer treatments, trying on makeup chemicals, gulping cola drinks and smoking cigarettes. So this research may do wonders for the image of rodents, beyond even Mickey’s achievements.

And think of the potentially useful applications for wiring the brains of humans. Imagine what you could have the drivers ahead of you do on Interstate 5 every Friday afternoon. How you could make a long restaurant line vanish. A grumpy child do chores. Or even a family cat snuggle. Never mind ethics; we could wire the worrywarts’ brains too.

The opportunities in wired brains are endless. Theoretically, we could wire vampires to go after Hells Angels. Or motorcycle gang members to collect Barbie dolls. Already-wired brains explain Starbucks’ success and maybe those 25 women chasing the Bachelor on TV recently.

Wired brains could prevent voter indecision. By wiring brains, Nielsen wouldn’t have to study TV viewership--just have everyone watch whatever show paid Nielsen the most. Same for movies, for buying cereal and cars, clothing and books. Or, wait a minute, newspapers. Maybe every wired brain would want several copies delivered each morning.

So, you see, this business of wiring brains and turning rats and humans into robots is a really great idea great idea great idea.