A Plea to Laguna Beach Police as Crisis Nears Boiling Point

In Laguna Beach, where life is pretty peaceful, the crime log often recounts incidents that are less than spine-tingling. The News-Post, for instance, said a resident phoned police and “requested that a fireman climb over her fence and let her back into the house. She told police she had locked herself out and had a copper pot on the stove.” Ten-four.

This health fad is getting out of hand: One Laguna Beach crime the News-Post did report involved “plumbing fixtures, a coffee-maker and tarps [that] were stolen from a construction site.” Shows how times have changed. A coffee-maker at a construction site? In the old days, the theft would have involved a beer cooler.

Mystery of the Day: Regarding the no-smoking warning in a Japanese subway, a reader wondered about the “while walking” provision (see photo). Does the sign mean it’s OK to stand still, or sit, and smoke?

Words imperfect: John Stevenson of Chatsworth chanced upon a sign that was outrageously misspelled, unless it pertained to a Mr. Zoon (see photo).

Warning to non-handymen and non-handywomen? Perusing the assembly instructions for a piece of furniture, Linda Taubenreuther of Monrovia wrote: “Judging from my past experiences, I’ll screw up the bench no matter what I do” (see accompanying).

Statues of limitations: Likenesses of prominent folks at some unexpected locales:

* Comic Jack Benny at Rancho Cucamonga’s Epicenter baseball park.

* Actor James Dean at the Griffith Park Observatory.

* Aviator Amelia Earhart in North Hollywood Park.

* Joan of Arc at the Pacific Alliance Medical Center in Chinatown.

* Conservative actor John Wayne outside the headquarters of pornographer Larry Flynt on Wilshire Boulevard.

* Athletes Magic Johnson and Wayne Gretzky at Staples Center.

Explanations: The stories behind the placement of the statues:

* The Benny tribute commemorates a running joke on his old show about a train conductor announcing, “All aboard for Anaheim, Azusa and CUC-amonga.”

* A scene from Dean’s “Rebel Without a Cause” was shot at the observatory.

* Earhart was a resident of North Hollywood before disappearing on her last flight.

* The Pacific Alliance Medical Center was originally the French Hospital.

* Wayne did commercials for now-defunct Great Western Savings, which was at the site before Flynt arrived.

* Ex-Laker Johnson and ex-King Gretzky played at the Forum in Inglewood (though never at Staples).

miscelLAny: For your unclear-on-the-concept file, Dean Lamborn of Simi Valley submitted a Weather Channel forecast with a split personality (see accompanying).